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So here I am, writing.

I’m writing, I’m writing – just as you told me to.
I’m writing, I’m writing, I’m writing.

Have you ever noticed that when the sun goes down, this flat changes? It does. The walls are white during the day and lingering brown at night. During the day, I’m with you and the light from outside paints the walls that heavenly color. But when that sun goes down, the demons wake and I’m alone again, even though you’re just a room away.
Somehow it seems less threatening tonight, and I think it’s because you’ve given me an assignment to try and fight off the darkness. You gave me a stack of papers and a pen and told me to write everything that comes to mind.

It’s a strange feeling to have complete freedom. These empty pages are mine to do whatever I please – I could even wipe my ass with them – but they’re also terribly intimidating. The blank page has always been a nemesis of man. It’s right in front of me – all the things I can’t figure out how to say. All the things my pen doesn’t want to write.
I know you’re curious about what I’m going to use these for. I am, too, but part of me is afraid of what might come out. I said this to you this morning and you said something along the lines of:
“At least whatever it is you’re afraid of will be out.”
So I’m rattling the demons inside me a bit, perhaps giving them a bit of a beating, but just enough for them to bleed through my fingers. No doubt the wounds will have to be re-opened. All for what?
Therapy, you said.  
You’ve given me this freedom with the knowledge that what I write down may get thrown into the fire later, that the act of writing is an act of permanence, but can also be temporary. This can be beautiful impermanence, it can be dangerous freedom. But that’s exactly what this is – a chance for me to get it all out somehow, even though it might be ugly. Ugly, foul, dreadful.

I listen. I really do, even though it doesn’t always look like it.

Right now, for instance, I’m listening to you snore like a goddamn pig in the next room.

I’m laughing softly to myself, even though this is hardly the time to laugh. Oh, the secrets I could tell you with this therapy of yours. The things you would learn. The many things I haven’t been able to tell you could very well wind up on these pages if I’m not careful, if I stir the demons too much. However, you will never know some of these things, and that is because you will never fully understand these things.
It probably pains you to know that. You’re a man of understanding, after all. But that’s just how it is. You may think you want to understand these things, but believe me, it’s much better for your sake that you won’t. Perhaps for my sake, too. They would only affirm the notion that I am indeed a crazy bastard.

But I’ve written too much already; it would be unfair to go without telling you just one thing. So here it is:

* I piloted a bomber that was shot down during the war. *

This is how it went.
     
It happened in late April. Hitler was turning fifty-four that day.
      As a birthday present, Bomber Command thought it would be amusing to drop a few bombs on Berlin – only our candles wouldn’t be so easy to blow out.
So all fourteen of us flew into the encompassing night, the metallic whirr of the heavy birds numbing our ears to all other sounds while the city below went dark. It called upon memories for most of us – our loved ones spoke of this disappearing act that never seemed to work, as London was, at one time, for a very long time, bombed consecutively for many nights in a row.
In response, we opened our own bomb doors, because war is about revenge, isn’t it?
‘Steady…steady…bombs gone!’

I say with absolute regret and shame that that was my job – I was the one looking into the eyepiece at the city below, and I was the one who released the bombs. They were my bombs. It was a bit like playing God – at the pull of a lever, I could smite hundreds of people just by saying the dreaded two words:

Bombs gone.



I apologize. I cannot write about that anymore. But I’ve begun to tell a story, and you can’t just stop in the middle of a story, can you? No. That’s cruel.

Someone announced proudly that they had written “Alles Gute zum Geburtstag” on one of them in chalk, and I tried to laugh, but nothing came out. I looked back down and watched them strike the ground. It looked a bit like a camera flash – quick and stark white, then erupting into orange and red. More bombs went off ahead, and soon enough, Berlin became a spectacular glowing light show. The radar glowed with enthusiastic greens and reds.
But as the bombs detonated and shook the earth below, it shook something inside me as well. Each bomb that detonated pounded into some sensitive nerve and suddenly it felt like a cold hand reached up inside me and squeezed my organs. I attempted to ignore it, shouting back to the crew that we were approaching the next bomb site.
‘Left, left…steady…”


In no less than an hour, Berlin was smoldering.
After that, it settled into something mechanical. The war machine was huffing. Our Lancasters were instruments of darkness, blackbirds shrouded in the veil of the firestorm. Below, the earth had cracked and the fires of hell climbed up and swallowed the city.
Then, anti-aircraft guns cracked ahead.
My eyes shot to the tiny white flashes. They cut through the fires and threatened to end our lives in just that… a flash. My brain felt as if it were twitching, shorting out… it did so along with the firing of the guns. I felt in sync with the symphony of war.
An anti-aircraft gun struck the side of the bomber and it jolted sideways. Some of the crew screamed – the explosion seared them.
From the view of another bomber, I suppose it could have happened like the flash of an anti-aircraft gun, but it’s different when death is there reaching out to you. For a moment, I felt his cold hand on my chest and I went blind. I felt as if I was being lifted out of my body, but my hands grasped the joystick relentlessly. One of the surviving men crawled up to the cockpit and grabbed my sleeve, but by then I was already gone – a half-dead idiot sitting there with his reddened eyes wide, sweat pouring down his forehead.
The drone of the bomber dropped its pitch as it veered downward. All but the two of us, the man holding onto my sleeve and I, had parachuted out. I still, to this day, don’t know why that man stayed with me and proceeded to pull my parachute for me. He was a right idiot, he was.
To conclude so grandly, our parachutes lifted us into the sky. By then, some part of me must have awakened, death must have let go of me, because I distinctly remember the few moments of consciousness I had before I was out and back into limbo again. We floated along towards the flaming ground, surrounded by red rain.
Then, darkness cloaked me once more.
Our bomber was the only one to go down that night.

I wish so much that my story could end there, that I floated down to the ground and was taken back to England, but what happened after that is something I will never be able to put into words. Not if you gave me all the blank pages and nighttime awakenings in the world.
It may be destined to be forever untold.
I wish I had the strength to tell you, but I’m not sure it will ever come. But please, Aiden, don’t forsake me for what I can’t tell you. Therapists are supposed to get you talking, but this…
God.

This life I’m trying to live is so full of promises.
You keep telling me that things will get better, that the city will be reconstructed, but I’m so deep in the rubble, Aiden, and all I want is to forget how it all happened.
A first draft of sorts. 

---
All belong to me <3
Add a Comment:
 

Daily Deviation

Given 2013-12-13
Red Letter Day - Prologue by *MzyLeRouge strongly opens a longer story with the troubled thoughts of the narrator through writing his recollections of the second World War. It's a well written piece of historical fiction, accurate in detail and presentation. ( Featured by DorianHarper )
:iconrussalad:
Russalad Featured By Owner May 15, 2014  Student Artist
Holy shit dude, this was incredible, I legit got the shivers.  I could hear the engine and the shadowy orange glow of fire on Berlin in my head, that is quality stuff, man.  Quality stuff!! 
Reply
:iconmzylerouge:
MzyLeRouge Featured By Owner May 15, 2014  Student Writer
Oh gosh thank you so much!! I'm rewriting it again cuz I don't think I love this version, but still thank you ;A; <3
Reply
:icondalailamanyf:
DalailamaNYF Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2013  Student
The beginning was amazing! :eager: by darkmoon3636  Till you got to the part about some war, then the rest of your story became so-so.  Unimpressed 
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:iconmzylerouge:
MzyLeRouge Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2013  Student Writer
Could you elaborate a bit?
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:icondalailamanyf:
DalailamaNYF Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2013  Student
In the beginning, I felt like you have committed some sort of dark and malicious sin, and you was going to unleash it all into the world La la la la   ... Unfortunate for me, I was wrong, it was about some war in the past.. Grump 
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:iconrodtheworm:
rodtheworm Featured By Owner Dec 17, 2013
Some dark and malicious sin like dropping high explosives and incendiaries on thousands of civilians, perhaps..? 
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:icondalailamanyf:
DalailamaNYF Featured By Owner Dec 19, 2013  Student
I mean more of an inner sin rather than an outter one.
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:iconmzylerouge:
MzyLeRouge Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2013  Student Writer
Idk why that's disappointing but ok I guess 
Reply
:iconthegalleryofeve:
TheGalleryOfEve Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Congratulations on your well-deserved DD!!! :iconflyingheartsplz::iconlainloveplz::iconflyingheartsplz: :clap::clap::clap:
Reply
:iconmzylerouge:
MzyLeRouge Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2013  Student Writer
Thank you so much! <33
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:iconlintu47:
lintu47 Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Congrats on the DD! :dalove:
Have a nice day! :heart:
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:iconmzylerouge:
MzyLeRouge Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2013  Student Writer
Thank you so much! <333
Reply
:iconlintu47:
lintu47 Featured By Owner Dec 20, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
My pleasure :happybounce:
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:iconshadowedacolyte:
ShadowedAcolyte Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2013
There is a strong narrative voice here. Doing away with some genre conventions (ellipses, pauses, the lack of long paragraphs) would probably improve the flow, but this was still very enjoyable to read. Thanks for sharing.
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:iconmzylerouge:
MzyLeRouge Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2013  Student Writer
I agree - this is just a first draft of sorts. But thank you! <3
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:iconkori-hibana:
kori-hibana Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2013  Student General Artist
can't wait to read the rest of this! ^^
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:iconmzylerouge:
MzyLeRouge Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2013  Student Writer
Writing chapter one now! ;)
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:iconhennalucas:
HennaLucas Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2013  Student Writer
Congratz, love! That's awesome!
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:iconmzylerouge:
MzyLeRouge Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2013  Student Writer
Asdfghjkl; thank you!! :heart:
Reply
:iconshire7:
Shire7 Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Congrats to the DD :heart:
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:iconmzylerouge:
MzyLeRouge Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2013  Student Writer
Aww thank you! <333
Reply
:icongingersanps:
Gingersanps Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Congrats on the DD. :clap: You deserve it! 
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:iconmzylerouge:
MzyLeRouge Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2013  Student Writer
Omg thank you ;A; <33
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:icongingersanps:
Gingersanps Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
You're most welcome. The feeling is a good one, isn't it? ;) 
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:iconmzylerouge:
MzyLeRouge Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2013  Student Writer
Yes it certainly is <333
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:icongingersanps:
Gingersanps Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:heart: Congrats again. It was a really well written story. 
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:iconmzylerouge:
MzyLeRouge Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2013  Student Writer
Omg I'm so glad you think so! I really appreciate it love!
:iconluvluvplz:
Reply
:icongingersanps:
Gingersanps Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
You're welcome.
Reply
:iconmykatzuki:
MyKatzuki Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2013
This is amazing.
You structure your sentence fantastically, and I absolutely adore the suspense you've put into this piece of writing.
I don't read very much literature on DA, but this caught my eye in the DD section. The title is very interesting, and I must say the preview picture is very mysterious.
I thought I'd give it a try and read this prologue. I must say I really thoroughly enjoyed it.
I like your overall plot, because it's quite traditional. The fact that you've chosen to write about World War II is extremely powerful, especially because these incidents did happen, and many people who experienced said war didn't manage to come out without scars. Not just physical, mental too. It's a very sensitive topic that truly breaks the hearts of many when discussed. You've written this story to grasp the emotions of the reader, allowing them to somewhat understand the true pain, misery and trauma that the character has been through. The even more gripping and touching fact about this is that there will have been a person out there who suffered like this. Many people just wanted to forget, but they struggled. How could you forget such an incident? The fact that you've enhanced this truly makes for a fantastic piece of writing, and it allows the reader to consider how much pain people went through at the time, and afterwards.
The character you've chosen is a prime example for such a story, and the way you've expressed their overall feelings and emotions is amazing. I like how there is hesitance in their story telling. Even though they're writing it down on paper, and they could easily dispose of it before anyone sees, they still refuse to come to terms with what happened. And that is clearly understandable. I honestly love how well you've reflected the character's emotions by effectively presenting such a troubled soul, who wishes things could have been different.
The mentioning of therapy has a powerful use in this piece of writing, because it shows how the character thinks they are far past therapy. They doubt that it will work, or seem to. It's also interesting how they consider themselves insane. Many people probably would, and it could also possibly be the truth. People go through so much in situations like this that their mental stability is damaged.
Again, it's very powerful how you've enhanced these things and shown them through the character's point of view.
The way you've described the events that happened in World War II is truly intriguing and honestly pulled me in. The amount of detail about the bombs, the colour of the city once they had dropped, the sensation that the pilot had felt when he realised he had ended many lives without hesitation, was all so gripping and brilliantly written.
The ending is very well thought out. The hesitance comes back, just like how it started at the beginning. Although they've managed to get some of the story across, they can't bring themselves to remember the most traumatic events of all. It had me very curious as the end, and the mount of suspense truly gripped and impressed me. I can't imagine what the character's been through, and although this is a character's story, I still bring myself to think about the horrific fact that many people have been through this. It really allows the story to get in touch with my emotions, and makes me feel true sympathy and sadness for those who had to endure this.
You've done a brilliant job. This is a marvellous piece of writing and I'm glad I took the time to read it.
Reply
:iconmzylerouge:
MzyLeRouge Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2013  Student Writer
Wow, thank you so very much! You hit it all right on the money - this is exactly how I want readers to feel at this point. 
Thank you for the extremely insightful comment! :heart:
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:iconmykatzuki:
MyKatzuki Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2013
No problem :D
I'm so glad you like my comment. I honestly enjoyed writing about this piece, and I've learned a lot from reading it as well. You're extremely inspirational.
You've motivated me to write and caused me to want to improve my writing more. 
.u. Thank you very much.
:hug:
Reply
:iconmzylerouge:
MzyLeRouge Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2013  Student Writer
And that's the best thing I could possibly hear as a writer - that I'm motivating others to write. Best of luck!! I'd love to read your stuff if you decide to put it up! 
:iconluvluvplz:
Reply
:iconmykatzuki:
MyKatzuki Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2013
If I ever write something that I think's worth posting, I'll certainly show it to you. .u.
I have been practising lately so maybe I'll come up with something I want everyone to read~ 
^_^
Reply
:iconlostgryphin:
LostGryphin Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
Congrats on the DD
Reply
:iconmzylerouge:
MzyLeRouge Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2013  Student Writer
Thank you! <333
Reply
:iconrobson666:
robson666 Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2013  Hobbyist
congratulations to the well deserved Daily Deviation :clap: :clap:
Reply
:iconmzylerouge:
MzyLeRouge Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2013  Student Writer
Oh goodness, thank you <33
Reply
:iconmildlymorbid:
mildlymorbid Featured By Owner Oct 6, 2013
oh my. dude. this is. incredible!!!????!!!!! like no seriously, this is the best thing! so much improvement from your other things, like on an entirely different level! so book worthy, and fantastic!
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:iconmzylerouge:
MzyLeRouge Featured By Owner Oct 6, 2013  Student Writer
Oh goodness, thank you so very much love ;A; <33
Reply
:iconmildlymorbid:
mildlymorbid Featured By Owner Oct 6, 2013
*U* of course, yo. seriously, super intrigued now, I cant even 0-0
Reply
:iconthenostalgist:
thenostalgist Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Lovely start keep on spitting it all out.
Reply
:iconmzylerouge:
MzyLeRouge Featured By Owner Sep 25, 2013  Student Writer
Thank you!!
Reply
:icongiltmastermind:
Giltmastermind Featured By Owner Sep 12, 2013  Student General Artist
Wow, that is fantastic! I look forward to reading more.
Why is it you'll be switching to third person?
Reply
:iconmzylerouge:
MzyLeRouge Featured By Owner Sep 12, 2013  Student Writer
Thank you so much! <3 I'm switching because Gene isn't the only character's head I want to spend time inside. Although, there might be more of these 'writing assignments' in the book. ;)
Reply
:icongiltmastermind:
Giltmastermind Featured By Owner Sep 12, 2013  Student General Artist
Aha, okay then. Looking forward to it. :)
Reply
:iconmzylerouge:
MzyLeRouge Featured By Owner Sep 12, 2013  Student Writer
Excellent! 
Reply
:icondorianharper:
DorianHarper Featured By Owner Sep 11, 2013  Professional Writer
Hrngh. This is beautiful ;-;

I'm SO glad that you uploaded this! It's such a lovely opening and I adore the idea of it being written as a means of therapy, at least the prologue if not the whole story. It makes it so much more personal and really gets the reader interested in Gene. I'm not sure if the rest of the story is written like this, as a means of therapy, or if it switches to third person, but I definitely could see him being an unreliable narrator sort since he is suffering with his post-war issues. It could make for an interesting first person look.

I look forward to reading more definitely! :heart:
Reply
:iconmzylerouge:
MzyLeRouge Featured By Owner Sep 11, 2013  Student Writer
Thank you love! ;w; <33 As fun it would be to write the rest of the book like this, I'm going to switch to third person. 
Reply
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